Whispers on the Wind
Last year on this very blog I wrote some sweet drivel about how I wanted the year to play out. I wanted time spent with my sweetie and although I did get some time it did not pan out to all that I wanted. I put forth the idea that although I could not control the weather and the world outside my door I could destine what would happen inside my doors.
Wham. Destiny let me know that I had no control and showed me the error of my thinking by sending me and my family for an amusement park rollercoaster of a year with cars flying every which way the wind would take them as they careened off the track.
Things blew apart early and over the course of the year I had to draw deep from within myself to reserves I never knew existed just to find reason or rhyme to the happenings around me. I changed so many ways of thinking and believing about people, ideas and things that my head did a possessed type of spinning as I tried to keep it securely attached.
Now I am not complaining or whining, I am just stating the facts. My life and the lives of those close to me took a header. I am sorry for what I put all my family through even though I know I didn’t purposely throw everyone into the rinse cycle.
To the point, the past year has taught me many valuable lessons, one being if I have something to say, say it and dam the consequences.
So, to all my family, friends and acquaintances have a great 2018, say a final 'fuck you' to 2017 and live for your happiness and do what you want to do.
Love to you all.
Did you ever wonder why when things seem to be going along fine all hell breaks loose?
Did you ever have a night when thoughts raced through your head like a out of control freight train headed for derailment.
Did you ever just sit and stare then wonder where you were for the last 10 minutes. Hour?
Did you ever sit and watch traffic and wonder where each person was headed or why they were in such a rush?
Did you ever just wonder?
Did you wonder why you just sat and wondered.
Did you ever feel like you were wondering about all the wrong things?
Did you ever think that wondering got you nowhere and maybe sleep would be a good thing?
Everyday we complete little tasks as part of our daily lives; things we learned as children that now as adults we take for granted. Things we need not stop and think how to do but that now come second nature. We do them without thinking. Once learned they are ingrained into our lives and not thought about again.
Simple tasks like walking.
We walk using coordinated signals from the brain, i.e. mainly the motor cortex and the cerebellum.
“Walking is defined by an 'inverted pendulum' gait in which the body vaults over the stiff limb or limbs with each step. This applies regardless of the number of limbs—even arthropods, with six, eight or more limbs, walk.”-Wikipedia
So, what if one day you woke to find your motor skills waning……. your body getting weaker daily until the moment that you find that no matter how hard your brain is telling you to move, your legs aren’t getting the message.
Would you panic. Would you rub the legs and think maybe they are just tired or ‘asleep’? So, you keep trying to push your thoughts to make the proper signals to get your legs to respond. Still nothing.
You can no longer do that function you fought so hard as a baby to learn. They ability that made you and your parents proud when you took those first steps. All that hard work.
You deny this can be happening. You think you should just be able to swing your legs and stand up, then walk, why you lament can’t you.
It is a devastating feeling.
I have been there and don’t want to go back; I will never take being able to walk for granted again. I don’t care if I must use a walker for the rest of my life.
Never again will I complain about having to walk somewhere.
I am just glad that I can.
Have you ever walked by a mirror and as you passed you take a quick look and don’t recognize the image reflected to you? Oh, sure we have all heard the joke about looking in the mirror and seeing some old person looking back.
No what I mean is you see your reflection and yes, it is you but you don’t recognize the person looking back at you from in your eyes. Okay, I am not crazy and we all can say we are not the person we were a year ago.
Where did that person go? I look, and I don’t see a trace of the person I was a year ago. I look different, of course we all age and hairstyles change but this is something different.
I am not the same person. I don’t feel the same, I don’t think the same and I definitely don’t look the same. As a famous writer is known for saying it looks like she has been up the river and back a few times.
My thoughts are not the same, I no longer care about things I used to hold dear. My worries are in a different category than the worries of a year ago, and my goals…. I really can say I have no goals but to be happy and to remain as healthy as I can.
Things I wanted to do I no longer want, and I just go along daily without needing an end goal.
I only want to be healthy with my sweetie and my puppy …… and I want to ……
Well I really don’t know what I want…. a year ago, I could tell you…. now…….
Reflections…. I reflect a lot over the past year and it had really changed the person I was into who I am now, and they are two different people.
Is the person I am today better than I was a year ago…. I would like to think I am and that the past year has made me stronger because I will need the strength because I do believe a year from now I will again be a totally different person.
Today I held my breath and made a decision, one I have been pondering for days, wondering if the decision I made would be the right one. Would things be fine, could I forge ahead, or would this decision put me back precious steps.
Precious steps, that is what the decision involved. Should I take these steps. Was I ready to take these steps? Only time and determination would tell. I had the determination, I wanted to go ahead but could I do it? I admit I was scared.
Only one way to find out. Take a deep breath, hold it……decide.
The decision made I had to hold back fears; fears of failure. Fears of being unable to complete the task. Put on a calm exterior. Get ready. Take my position.
Open the door. Take that first step into the outside world…. alone, unaccompanied. Just me and my walker. We were going for a walk. Could I make it to my destination? Was it too far? Step off the front stoop, onto the sidewalk and I was away.
Look out world. Oh, slight misstep…. Am I being too adventurous I wonder? Should I have journeyed this far from home…….
The end of the block……...small pebbles become obstacles that could thwart my mission.
Second block reached……. the crisp air feels nice and rejuvenating. The sun warmed me. Nearer to my destination.
Finally, I reached the journeys end, picked up the mail and headed home.
I felt tired and accomplished all in the same wave of feelings. It was work, it was tiring, but I did it.